this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
