I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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