So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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