Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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