Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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