The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
