life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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