On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
