my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
