i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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