I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
