I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
this is an emotional support booty call
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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