i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
