Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
