Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I love having hate sex.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
