My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
