If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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