from now on my penis is your penis
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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