Someone shit on the floor
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You can't motorboat a personality
there's paper in my vomit.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
