it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
