Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
MIDGETS
????
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
