Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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