i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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