Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
