Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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