Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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