Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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