i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
