they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Pants are for mortals
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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