Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize