What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize