afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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