i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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