the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
