U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also, beer. Big fan.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
