when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize