She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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