Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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