If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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