I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
