no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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