I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
