It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
