I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
