Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My cat gives me a boner
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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