There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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