I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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