I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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