Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
