My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
