why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
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