1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
That's intense
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
