Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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