I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
