I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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