And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
