remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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