I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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