It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
