I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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