You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
