then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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