i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
