I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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