dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
